The other day I was having a conversation with my son and when out of the blue he said to me "WWDD". At first, I thought he meant to say WWJD (What Would Jesus Do). You may recall that in the mid 90's WWJD bracelets were a common accessory and mantra among believers. But, after he explained the acronym “WWDD” meant What Would Dad Do? I thought to myself, "Wow, what a wonderful compliment from my son.” It was in that moment I saw just how far our relationship has come and how God has healed it. Candidly, our father / son relationship had been strained for longer than I care to admit. I was clueless on how to engage with him even before I learned he was gay. We just didn't have common interests. I’m not a big sports guy myself, so I wasn’t exactly surprised when it became apparent that he had no interest in throwing, kicking, or being in the general proximity of any ball. Instead, he spent time quietly drawing Disney Princesses and Houses. As he got older his interests and talents continued to develop outside the scope of what young men are frequently told to show interest in. But Greg Jr.’s disinterest in sports and other typical macho activities didn't make him broken or defected. He was fine just the way God made him. I just didn't see that. In 2002, my relationship with Greg Jr. was tested after I discovered gay pornography on his computer. After the initial shock, Lynn and I confronted him together; and he confirmed his attraction to the same-sex. Together, Lynn and I assured him that there was nothing he could do to ever stop us from loving him. However, we had a hard time understanding how our good and perfect God could create Greg Jr. in his image with the desire to be anything but heterosexual. Consequently, we told Greg Jr. that “we need to get you fixed.” This message obviously resonated louder than the words “we love you.” Remember that old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”… well our words and more importantly our actions hurt Greg Jr. Truth is we were not concerned about what it must have been like for him growing up in our conservative home. In hindsight it is obvious that we did not create a safe environment where he felt comfortable to ask us questions or share concerns about his sexuality. We were more concerned about fixing something that was clearly broken in our eyes. I should have known better. I knew all too well the feelings of being someone’s project to fix, or feeling like somehow, I was broken. As a child, I struggled horribly with academics, failing 4th grade and later being held back another half grade when my family moved to a different city in 8th grade. If you have ever had anyone treat you like a project it rarely ends well. Yet at this moment in time, Lynn and I were being very clear to Greg Jr. that he was not okay and that he had become our project to fix. How about you, have you ever been made to feel like a project? Have you ever made someone else feel like a project? How did that work out for you? We were both so completely overwhelmed by the daunting task of fixing Greg Jr. Eventually we outsourced the job to those we felt we could trust to keep his sexual identity private. He met with two pastors, as well as our “perfect family’s” psychologist, and finally with the now defunct Exodus International. On a side note, you may remember Exodus International; they were the “reparative therapy” organization where they believed reorientation of same sex attraction was possible. *Today “conversion therapy,” or “reparative therapy,” have been rejected by every mainstream medical and mental health organization. As I write this post I look back and think “what a proud moment, oh how I wish I could do it all over again so differently.” It has been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. The absence of the relationship with Greg Jr. made my heart grow softer.And then 4 years ago my wife Lynn was diagnosed with breast cancer, a game changer for sure. I hate to say it, but Lynn's breast cancer brought our family closer together than ever. Cancer made us stronger. We became war buddies. We all stepped up to the plate and beat it together. Greg Jr. says that Lynn's battle with cancer is why he asks himself WWDD (What Would Dad Do) when life throws him a curve ball. It has been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. The absence of the relationship with Greg Jr. made my heart grow softer.And then 4 years ago my wife Lynn was diagnosed with breast cancer, a game changer for sure. I hate to say it, but Lynn's breast cancer brought our family closer together than ever. Cancer made us stronger. We became war buddies. We all stepped up to the plate and beat it together. Greg Jr. says that Lynn's battle with cancer is why he asks himself WWDD (What Would Dad Do) when life throws him a curve ball. Today I am saddened at how insensitive I was when my son needed me to be his cheerleader. This blog is not about what terrific parents we were, it is designed to share vulnerably so you don’t repeat our mistakes. If we know the bridge is out up ahead, we’ll be sure to wave a caution flag. When the bridge is out you can either learn to swim, or take the longer road. In the book of Psalm 139:13-14 the psalmist writes “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.” It is my personal observation after speaking with a boatload of LGBTQ people, and their parents that the thing we ask God to take away may be the thing that God uses to draw our child into a deeper relationship with himself and us. For well over a decade, when I meet people who identify as LGBTQ I routinely ask these two questions: 1. When did you decide to be LGBTQ? I have yet to meet a person who says they chose to be LGBTQ. Frequently, this question provokes the response, “Are you crazy? Who would ever choose this?” 2. As a LGBTQ person where have your greatest hurts come from? In nearly every case, the pain is directly related to a negative response or experience from either a family member… or even the church. Imagine What your relationship with your LGBTQ child, friend, coworker, neighbor, etc. would look like if you did not focus on what you assume is wrong with them, but loved them where they are at? Think About It Are you sensitive to God’s still quiet voice? What might you learn by examining what he may be teaching you through this circumstance? Your friend, Greg * http://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy
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