Monsters In The Closet

When Greg Jr. was a young child he routinely woke up terrified in the middle of the night saying there were monsters under his bed or … in his closet. Consequently, my wife Lynn or I would get out of bed, go to his room, turn on the lights, and reassure him that there were no monsters and that everything would be okay.

Life often presents obstacles and situations that often feel too large to take on. It is not uncommon to react out of fear. When Lynn and I found out that our son Greg Jr. was gay we were both overwhelmed with fear. We were afraid of the potential diseases he might contract, the hate crimes he might endure, and what our family and friends would think of him and us if they knew the truth. However, the fear that kept us awake at night was that Greg might lose his faith and ultimately his salvation. Our fears left us paralyzed. We simply did not know how to respond to having a gay son.

I imagine you have found yourself in situations where you weren’t quite sure of how to respond either. 
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After we “found Greg Jr. out” we told him not to say a word about his “sexual preference” to anyone. We didn’t want our son to be labeled as “gay”. Greg Jr.’s “sinful desires” became our shameful secret; and so, we hid the truth from everyone in our lives, and went into the closet.

How ironic it was that as Greg Jr. came out of the closet Lynn and I were stepping into the closet.

While in our self-imposed closet, we attempted to get ahead of the “problem” and do some damage control. We thought through countless variations of what to say if anyone else learned the truth about our son. Ultimately, this produced nothing but more fear, anxiety and more questions: Who could we trust with our secret? How much fallout would there be with our family or friends? Would there be consequences in my professional life?
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We found ourselves drowning in questions, but they were the wrong questions.

Somehow, we failed to ask ourselves, “How can we help Greg Jr.?” We were so consumed with our pain and feelings that we failed to consider his. Many parents assume their child chooses their sexual orientation; yet for the nearly couple hundred families with LGBTQ kids that Lynn and I have walked with, 99% of the time it is not a choice.​

An amazing thing about Christianity in North America is that we know Jesus came to save us, all of us from our sins, while we were still sinners. We know God desires that we be people of great integrity, honest, forthright and share vulnerably, especially with fellow believers. Yet all too often, we try to portray to the world that we have it together, that we have conquered sin. Even though we were taught early on in our Christian walk to avoid darkness at all costs, there we were in the dark.

The truth is nothing good grows in the dark. Think about it, sunlight is a crucial element in growing fruits, vegetables, trees, flowers and so much more. By contrast, things like mold and fungus thrive in darkness. When we conceal our secrets in the dark they put us in bondage and eventually harm us. Likewise, we know that when we shine a light on things spiritually, and don’t allow secrets to be hidden it sets us free.

Interestingly in most Christian circles when we experience loss, or great pain like the death of a loved one, or a serious illness, the Christian community quickly circles the wagons bringing meals and spending time with loved ones who are hurting. Retreating to the closet allows time to process the new-found information. Yetwhen parents stay in the closet it prolongs their pain, and robs their friends the opportunity to come alongside them in their time of need.

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Interestingly in most Christian circles when we experience loss, or great pain like the death of a loved one, or a serious illness, the Christian community quickly circles the wagons bringing meals and spending time with loved ones who are hurting. Retreating to the closet allows time to process the new-found information. Yetwhen parents stay in the closet it prolongs their pain, and robs their friends the opportunity to come alongside them in their time of need.

Imagine

• How good it would feel to get the burden off your shoulders by speaking truthfully with close friends and family who are safe, who will love and embrace you and your child. Remember that your child’s safety always trumps openness.
• The healing that would come to your household when loving and thoughtful conversations occur.
• Your home being the safest place for your LGBTQ child to ask any question.

Think About It
One of our jobs as parents is to love our children unconditionally and equip them with the knowledge they need to tackle life’s monsters. If you stay in the darkness of your closet, you have the false security that being in the darkness offers. It is not until you step into the light that you can see clearly. The truth is…  monsters do exist. If you don’t see what is in front of you, it can’t hurt you, or so we tell ourselves. By hiding from monsters you become a victim of your own circumstances.

After having the fabulous experience of meeting so many terrific parents, partners, friends, and family of the LGBTQ community, our desire is that this blog be a safe space for you to come to. Our hope is this will not be a monologue, but a dialogue with you.

So, ask yourself; what positive outcome can occur by staying in the closet?

Your friend,
Greg